In the moment that we break, we experience true reality. There is nothing that can take away the rawness of our hurt, our grief, or our anger. We feel fear as though it is all we have.
This cancer experience for me, changed my life as I knew it. I’ve been lead by a strong desire to use this experience for the benefit of others, and blindedly allowed myself to only see the benefits in the situation I face.
This week has been difficult. Chemotherapy has zapped my energy, and I feel completely deflated; I have no energy left to put heart into the well-meaning questions that grace me.
A triathlon event at the beach in which we were camping placed me into an unexpected layer of reality. As I sat on the balcony of the cabin I watched the athletes assume their power; enabling their mind and their body to align with strength, determination and trust. The energy these men and women exuded in every move was pure magic, and I was in pure awe.
Shame began to creep into my heart and for the first time since the diagnosis I felt disempowered, sick and unable.
I allowed myself to feel the embarrassment of my physical incapability and it stung.
Within myself I noticed an avoidance of leaving the cabin, my safety, a place where no-one could view me as faulty.
Guilt came to visit and I found a saddened solace somewhere between guilt and shame.
Having just gone through my second round of chemotherapy, I understand the need to be kind to myself. However, in this moment I needed to be bitter and angry.
Once back home I realised, that I’ve not been fully honest with myself. This entire Cancer experience I have chosen not to check in with myself; allow myself time to understand and know where I am at. I’ve been speaking to a story using expired vocabulary.
Exhaustion continues to be the voice of the exhausted, just as,
answers subtract in meaning when questions multiply. I fear by allowing myself to try and keep up, I have lost authenticity and temporarily a piece of myself.
What calls within me is a knowing, I am well enough and looked after. Is it necessary to elaborate on such a truth?
Instead of choosing to look for the light aspects and sheen over the dark, I choose to honour every moment – as it is.
Delving into the sometimes harsh and cold depths of our reality brings us to the ecstasy in which we seek.
This week and onwards, I choose to honour my energy and make sacrifices based on my wellness; not my ability. I choose to be what I need me to be. Afterall, does the world need anymore than that?
Beautiful souls, thank you for being by my side during this experience. I am blessed to have such warmth, kindness and Love in my life.
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Be well and allow yourself to be whatever you need to be. Much Love and light to you.